Just got done meeting with the first therapist/counselor that I have ever been completely truthful with. It felt really good. He is a great guy that was able to really help hone in on some things and didn't sugar coat what this process would be like. He made no judgements, but affirmed the steps I'm taking as wise and courageous. While it scares me to death what may lie ahead in dealing with some of the issues from my past, there is a certain freedom in placing it in God's hands.
Trust and safety are two big areas for me right now. I don't feel like I have had a truly safe place since High School. And that was a messed up sense of safe. I'll be meeting with him again tomorrow to try and connect with some of the emotions I've shut down so that I can process my way through them.
My prayer right now is that God would lead me to the right people to walk through this stuff... for me and my wife. And while I have no control over how others process this, my prayer is that God's redemption would be seen on the other side of healing.
Showing posts with label married. Show all posts
Showing posts with label married. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
it is a new year
several of my friends have been talking about their new year's resolutions for 2010. i've never been very good at those to begin with, so i'll keep my focus simple in the coming months. my resolve is to step out of the pattern of deception in which i've encased my life. realizing that much of the crap i've dealt with over the years is a result of this engrained pattern has been quite a realization for me.
it all started with being a young, only child, who was attracted to other guys and had no clue what that meant. my dad was an all-star athlete, redid his first car in his teens and was an incredibly successful business man. acknowledging that attraction just wasn't an option for me at the time. i can remember a couple of times exhibiting things that weren't the stereotypical male stuff and having them corrected... but never really understanding why.
so i learned to deceive myself first and then others. when i was involved in the High School Youth Group mess, and then had that come out to some authority figures, it just turned up the dial on my coping mechanisms and caused me to shut down emotionally. when you make bad decisions that have been encouraged, groomed even, by trusted adults in a church setting -- and then have those decisions made to be not only poor decisions (they were), but shameful ones that should be kept quiet, it tends to have that effect. one group meeting with the staff worker that was involved was all that was offered to me. no counseling, no follow-up, no anything - just silence. it has been that way for 17 years. and for 17 years i have lived my life in complete denial of any of those feelings and lived my life for the "next day".... because it was farther away from that "moment". i haven't cried since then.
deception poured out into all areas of my life and eventually started to take its toll. and a painful toll it has been.
so, my resolution is to speak the truth... even when it doesn't make sense and even when you think a little "lie" may make things hurt less. i may be over reacting, but i've got to attack this like an alcoholic runs from his drug of choice. the little white lie can not be an option for me.
so i proclaim 2010 to be a year of truth... a year of coming out of the shadows and walking firmly in the light. i hope it is a great year... but i don't make any assumptions that it will be. i just know that Jesus said the truth would set us free. that may be the most painful process i've ever experienced, but it is a process i'm going to choose to go through.
it all started with being a young, only child, who was attracted to other guys and had no clue what that meant. my dad was an all-star athlete, redid his first car in his teens and was an incredibly successful business man. acknowledging that attraction just wasn't an option for me at the time. i can remember a couple of times exhibiting things that weren't the stereotypical male stuff and having them corrected... but never really understanding why.
so i learned to deceive myself first and then others. when i was involved in the High School Youth Group mess, and then had that come out to some authority figures, it just turned up the dial on my coping mechanisms and caused me to shut down emotionally. when you make bad decisions that have been encouraged, groomed even, by trusted adults in a church setting -- and then have those decisions made to be not only poor decisions (they were), but shameful ones that should be kept quiet, it tends to have that effect. one group meeting with the staff worker that was involved was all that was offered to me. no counseling, no follow-up, no anything - just silence. it has been that way for 17 years. and for 17 years i have lived my life in complete denial of any of those feelings and lived my life for the "next day".... because it was farther away from that "moment". i haven't cried since then.
deception poured out into all areas of my life and eventually started to take its toll. and a painful toll it has been.
so, my resolution is to speak the truth... even when it doesn't make sense and even when you think a little "lie" may make things hurt less. i may be over reacting, but i've got to attack this like an alcoholic runs from his drug of choice. the little white lie can not be an option for me.
so i proclaim 2010 to be a year of truth... a year of coming out of the shadows and walking firmly in the light. i hope it is a great year... but i don't make any assumptions that it will be. i just know that Jesus said the truth would set us free. that may be the most painful process i've ever experienced, but it is a process i'm going to choose to go through.
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