That Felt Good

Just got done meeting with the first therapist/counselor that I have ever been completely truthful with. It felt really good. He is a great guy that was able to really help hone in on some things and didn't sugar coat what this process would be like. He made no judgements, but affirmed the steps I'm taking as wise and courageous. While it scares me to death what may lie ahead in dealing with some of the issues from my past, there is a certain freedom in placing it in God's hands.

Trust and safety are two big areas for me right now. I don't feel like I have had a truly safe place since High School. And that was a messed up sense of safe. I'll be meeting with him again tomorrow to try and connect with some of the emotions I've shut down so that I can process my way through them.

My prayer right now is that God would lead me to the right people to walk through this stuff... for me and my wife. And while I have no control over how others process this, my prayer is that God's redemption would be seen on the other side of healing.

it is a new year

several of my friends have been talking about their new year's resolutions for 2010. i've never been very good at those to begin with, so i'll keep my focus simple in the coming months. my resolve is to step out of the pattern of deception in which i've encased my life. realizing that much of the crap i've dealt with over the years is a result of this engrained pattern has been quite a realization for me.

it all started with being a young, only child, who was attracted to other guys and had no clue what that meant. my dad was an all-star athlete, redid his first car in his teens and was an incredibly successful business man. acknowledging that attraction just wasn't an option for me at the time. i can remember a couple of times exhibiting things that weren't the stereotypical male stuff and having them corrected... but never really understanding why.

so i learned to deceive myself first and then others. when i was involved in the High School Youth Group mess, and then had that come out to some authority figures, it just turned up the dial on my coping mechanisms and caused me to shut down emotionally. when you make bad decisions that have been encouraged, groomed even, by trusted adults in a church setting -- and then have those decisions made to be not only poor decisions (they were), but shameful ones that should be kept quiet, it tends to have that effect. one group meeting with the staff worker that was involved was all that was offered to me. no counseling, no follow-up, no anything - just silence. it has been that way for 17 years. and for 17 years i have lived my life in complete denial of any of those feelings and lived my life for the "next day".... because it was farther away from that "moment". i haven't cried since then.

deception poured out into all areas of my life and eventually started to take its toll. and a painful toll it has been.

so, my resolution is to speak the truth... even when it doesn't make sense and even when you think a little "lie" may make things hurt less. i may be over reacting, but i've got to attack this like an alcoholic runs from his drug of choice. the little white lie can not be an option for me.

so i proclaim 2010 to be a year of truth... a year of coming out of the shadows and walking firmly in the light. i hope it is a great year... but i don't make any assumptions that it will be. i just know that Jesus said the truth would set us free. that may be the most painful process i've ever experienced, but it is a process i'm going to choose to go through.

mistaken identity

This, being the beginning of my journey to process my own internal constitution, has given me a lot to think about. I guess one could say I've been a "strict constructionist" when it comes to my how I present my life to the world. As a matter of fact, I was so good at constructing the compartments that made up my life, I'm having a hard time discerning truth from deception - past and present. I learned early to become a master of disguises and skilled at the art of deception to hide what I considered to be a shamefully ugly person. I haven't met many like me... so go at it that they deceive even themselves.

I'm a firm believer that a follower of Christ's true identity lies in Him. A Christ Follower is first and formost one that bears the marks of Christ and His righteousness in exchange for our sinfulness. Now, more than ever, I see what a futile attempt it is to try to climb my way to God.

However, I'm finding it ironic that I have spent a life trying to hide from identifying with a group that seems to have a HUGE identity crisis themselves. Gay, ExGay, PreGay, SSA --- all are terms thrown around and defended vigorously. One side says you are denying who you are and the other side says that it is impossible to change or be changed. I'll have some thoughts on this on another post. A new friend who has been so kind to listen to my ramblings pointed me to a blog called Disputed Mutability that has an excellent article labels. Here is a quote...

"I’m not cool with forsaking the use of adjectives to describe ourselves and the facts of our lives. I don’t think that’s a viable way forward. Being a faithful Christian cannot mean that we must refuse to discuss or name any other aspect of our lives. And honestly, I feel that this is what the anti-labeling movement among ex-gays often amounts to. It means making coy allusions to the “possibility of being tempted again someday” and to the fact that we will “never be as though we never were."

Bingo. Do I believe that God can change attraction orientation? Yes! I also believe that he can heal a person's vision. But it would just add to the confusion to for a person that has horrible vision to walk around saying that they can see when they can't. As I write this, I realize how uncomfortable and fearful this makes me. Ironically, I'm now the superhero that is finally realizing that the narcissistic representation that I have fought to project and protect is no better than the secret identity I've kept shoved in the Phone Booth.

At the same time, I'll tell you that coming to the point of realizing this has been an experience of knowing Him more. I've often prayed for brokenness... not really understanding what I was really asking for. God has been faithful to answer that prayer. He has smiten me with kryptonite that has rendered me powerless to flight or fight. As scary as it is, God knows me better than I know myself. Whether I can stand to look myself in the mirror or not, he sees me from every angle. Whether I choose to be honest about my fears, failings and feelings, He knows them completely.

So, while labels aren't the thing that define who I am in Christ, I can no longer be afraid to identify facts of the past and feelings of the present as anything but what they are. To do otherwise would be a lie, and I'm tired of deception. More than anything, the prevent me from moving forward and growing in Him. I can no longer be anyone's Superman, he won't even let me pretend anymore.

broken vessels

This will be a short post, but an important one. I want people who read this to be clear that brokenness is something that I have asked God to give me. It is the kindness of God that brings us to the place of realizing that all every aspect of our lives are in desperate need of him. It has been a long and painful, yet gentle process that God has been taking me through.

So, I want to make clear that while this time has been and will be painful, I have found myself drawing closer to him. The more I understand my inability to earn his love, the more I marvel at His choice of placing His love on me. I don't deserve it, but I want to receive it. I want to know Christ more.

every imaginable emotion... EXCEPT

I've had every imaginable emotion the past month, except for a good cry. Honestly, I haven't cried since I had that time in HS where I was slapped on the wrist by a few church staff and they told to tell my folks about what had happened. Well, the last cry was telling my mom and making her promise not to tell my dad.

I have had a lot of friends tell me, you just need to cry... let it out. That is MUCH easier said than done. If there were some button I could just push I would. It is like my tear ducts are constipated.

However, every other emotion... anger, relief, joy, sadness, anxiety, depression, bitterness... have come in waves. The kicker is that I don't know when they are going to hit. I get overwhelmed thinking about processing the Same Sex Attraction I had as a young kid, the abuse (really more the way it was handled) when I was a young teen in church, and the fact that I've been keeping all of that as hidden from view as possible. I'm still amazed that I can look back at the 4-6 years after my last cry and think that I was in such denial that I could deceive even myself.

Now, I'm faced with having to process this with family, friends, etc and can just get paralyzed thinking about it. I thought I had started at the beginning... which I have. At the same time, it has opened up a whole host of "stuff" that needs to be addressed, and I have no clue where to start.

What do you do when you are faced with a situation where multiple true things collide. I don't want to face rejection... but if I am true to where I am in processing I just might. I don't want to hurt my wife, my kids, my family. But if I am true to where I am in processing, the risk is there. There doesn't seem like a winning scenario to me.

On the positive side, I have sensed my understanding and grasp of the Grace of God in Christ increasing... and I am being forced to put my money where my mouth is when it comes to resting on His sufficiency. The question is will I allow Him to be my sufficiency? Is he TRULY all I need? What would I say if I found myself utterly rejected and alone? I don't think that will happen, but to say that it isn't possible in some very close relationships would be naive.

My focus for the next few weeks is going to be finding a good therapist that can help in two areas...

1. Help me process through this stuff and understand it so I can move past it... or at least accept that it is my thorn and learn to count it as joy.
2. Help begin to walk forward with my wife and kids. I really don't know how to do that. If there is a more terrifying place to be, it has to be in her shoes. And right now, my words don't offer much comfort.

I've got to run for now. I'll post more later.

waves of emotions

Emotional Release. It has eluded me since the day I had to sit in front of several of my pastors and listen to their lecture of how what I did was wrong -- while one of the staff workers who enabled all of this to happen was in the room. After the lecture, I was told to go home and tell my parents. That was the last time I really cried. And it was at that time I started to live my life in seeing how far I could escape from that moment. Now here I am.

It's funny, I've prayed for a long time that God would help me to emotionally release. In all honesty, I had completely boxed off that part of who I was and any experience surrounding it. As I look back, God has been chipping away at that box for the past 10 years and I now find myself at a place of brokenness where I'm fearful I won't recover.

They say that kids are the worlds best recorder's and the world's worst interpreters. Now I understand why. My interpretation of who I was from as young as I can remember is that people would reject me if they knew what was inside. That interpretation was cemented by the shaming reality that not only was it not acceptable to have this struggle, but you shouldn't talk about it -- with ANYONE.

identifying deception

this is a blog that is going to chronicle my journey. my greatest hope is that it will help someone along the way. i've spent my entire live learning to be a master of deception. the deceptions started with myself. i am a christ follower, so i cling to my faith that out of this too shall come redemption.

this first post will be short, so let me explain the title. i've spent that past 7-10 years teaching on what it means to be "identified" with something, namely Christ. i've also always had a fascination with superheroes and their ability to maintain two separate lives and stay sane. the phone booth for me represents both the good and the bad.

i know i have been called by God. so, in that sense, listening for the call and seeking to answer it has been the cry of my heart for quite a while. however, the phone booth also represents where the superhero sheds the costume and becomes the "hero" that saves the day. emotionally, i've been stuck in the phone booth for far too long.

honestly, i don't know who will emerge from the shattered glass and bent steel as i seek to break free from the prison that has encased me. i do know this. i WILL fly from this phone booth. i will emerge from these experiences as one who walks closer to God and makes wiser decisions.

i know you are asking what in the world i'm referring to... what is the "secret struggle" this christian has carried around? well, in short, i am a person that grappled with attraction to other guys from a very young age but denied it, found himself in an abusive situation at the explosive age of 15/16, was shamed into silence by those in authority at the church where all this took place, learned to deceive myself that liking guys was not really an issue, married a beautiful woman with whom i have two young children, and now find myself dealing with trying to find out who i really am. the story is very complex, so i'll leave it at that.

i invite you to join on this journey with me.