every imaginable emotion... EXCEPT

I've had every imaginable emotion the past month, except for a good cry. Honestly, I haven't cried since I had that time in HS where I was slapped on the wrist by a few church staff and they told to tell my folks about what had happened. Well, the last cry was telling my mom and making her promise not to tell my dad.

I have had a lot of friends tell me, you just need to cry... let it out. That is MUCH easier said than done. If there were some button I could just push I would. It is like my tear ducts are constipated.

However, every other emotion... anger, relief, joy, sadness, anxiety, depression, bitterness... have come in waves. The kicker is that I don't know when they are going to hit. I get overwhelmed thinking about processing the Same Sex Attraction I had as a young kid, the abuse (really more the way it was handled) when I was a young teen in church, and the fact that I've been keeping all of that as hidden from view as possible. I'm still amazed that I can look back at the 4-6 years after my last cry and think that I was in such denial that I could deceive even myself.

Now, I'm faced with having to process this with family, friends, etc and can just get paralyzed thinking about it. I thought I had started at the beginning... which I have. At the same time, it has opened up a whole host of "stuff" that needs to be addressed, and I have no clue where to start.

What do you do when you are faced with a situation where multiple true things collide. I don't want to face rejection... but if I am true to where I am in processing I just might. I don't want to hurt my wife, my kids, my family. But if I am true to where I am in processing, the risk is there. There doesn't seem like a winning scenario to me.

On the positive side, I have sensed my understanding and grasp of the Grace of God in Christ increasing... and I am being forced to put my money where my mouth is when it comes to resting on His sufficiency. The question is will I allow Him to be my sufficiency? Is he TRULY all I need? What would I say if I found myself utterly rejected and alone? I don't think that will happen, but to say that it isn't possible in some very close relationships would be naive.

My focus for the next few weeks is going to be finding a good therapist that can help in two areas...

1. Help me process through this stuff and understand it so I can move past it... or at least accept that it is my thorn and learn to count it as joy.
2. Help begin to walk forward with my wife and kids. I really don't know how to do that. If there is a more terrifying place to be, it has to be in her shoes. And right now, my words don't offer much comfort.

I've got to run for now. I'll post more later.