mistaken identity

This, being the beginning of my journey to process my own internal constitution, has given me a lot to think about. I guess one could say I've been a "strict constructionist" when it comes to my how I present my life to the world. As a matter of fact, I was so good at constructing the compartments that made up my life, I'm having a hard time discerning truth from deception - past and present. I learned early to become a master of disguises and skilled at the art of deception to hide what I considered to be a shamefully ugly person. I haven't met many like me... so go at it that they deceive even themselves.

I'm a firm believer that a follower of Christ's true identity lies in Him. A Christ Follower is first and formost one that bears the marks of Christ and His righteousness in exchange for our sinfulness. Now, more than ever, I see what a futile attempt it is to try to climb my way to God.

However, I'm finding it ironic that I have spent a life trying to hide from identifying with a group that seems to have a HUGE identity crisis themselves. Gay, ExGay, PreGay, SSA --- all are terms thrown around and defended vigorously. One side says you are denying who you are and the other side says that it is impossible to change or be changed. I'll have some thoughts on this on another post. A new friend who has been so kind to listen to my ramblings pointed me to a blog called Disputed Mutability that has an excellent article labels. Here is a quote...

"I’m not cool with forsaking the use of adjectives to describe ourselves and the facts of our lives. I don’t think that’s a viable way forward. Being a faithful Christian cannot mean that we must refuse to discuss or name any other aspect of our lives. And honestly, I feel that this is what the anti-labeling movement among ex-gays often amounts to. It means making coy allusions to the “possibility of being tempted again someday” and to the fact that we will “never be as though we never were."

Bingo. Do I believe that God can change attraction orientation? Yes! I also believe that he can heal a person's vision. But it would just add to the confusion to for a person that has horrible vision to walk around saying that they can see when they can't. As I write this, I realize how uncomfortable and fearful this makes me. Ironically, I'm now the superhero that is finally realizing that the narcissistic representation that I have fought to project and protect is no better than the secret identity I've kept shoved in the Phone Booth.

At the same time, I'll tell you that coming to the point of realizing this has been an experience of knowing Him more. I've often prayed for brokenness... not really understanding what I was really asking for. God has been faithful to answer that prayer. He has smiten me with kryptonite that has rendered me powerless to flight or fight. As scary as it is, God knows me better than I know myself. Whether I can stand to look myself in the mirror or not, he sees me from every angle. Whether I choose to be honest about my fears, failings and feelings, He knows them completely.

So, while labels aren't the thing that define who I am in Christ, I can no longer be afraid to identify facts of the past and feelings of the present as anything but what they are. To do otherwise would be a lie, and I'm tired of deception. More than anything, the prevent me from moving forward and growing in Him. I can no longer be anyone's Superman, he won't even let me pretend anymore.