waves of emotions

Emotional Release. It has eluded me since the day I had to sit in front of several of my pastors and listen to their lecture of how what I did was wrong -- while one of the staff workers who enabled all of this to happen was in the room. After the lecture, I was told to go home and tell my parents. That was the last time I really cried. And it was at that time I started to live my life in seeing how far I could escape from that moment. Now here I am.

It's funny, I've prayed for a long time that God would help me to emotionally release. In all honesty, I had completely boxed off that part of who I was and any experience surrounding it. As I look back, God has been chipping away at that box for the past 10 years and I now find myself at a place of brokenness where I'm fearful I won't recover.

They say that kids are the worlds best recorder's and the world's worst interpreters. Now I understand why. My interpretation of who I was from as young as I can remember is that people would reject me if they knew what was inside. That interpretation was cemented by the shaming reality that not only was it not acceptable to have this struggle, but you shouldn't talk about it -- with ANYONE.